Low Confidence, Self Sabotage, and Awakened Ambition by Sumeerin

Low Confidence, Self Sabotage, and Awakened Ambition by Sumeerin - July 2025 Scholarship Essay

Ever since childhood, I have struggled with low confidence. This did not present itself in the way most people would think; it did not manifest as a timid voice or a constant gaze upon the shoes. It presented itself in what I felt I deserved. After feeling as if I had disappointed others when in actuality, they had only seen me work so hard, I would conclude that there was no point trying at all. When one is told to place importance on success, rather than the means to reach it, it is easy for a developing mind to internalize this harmful ideology, and with a personality like mine, it seems that failure is an inescapable fate. One small hiccup would translate as a sign for me to stop pursuing personal goals. One tiny mistake would leave me questioning abilities I was not close to mastering yet. In my mind, I perceived these to be indicative of my self-worth. Rather than learning from these necessary hurdles I would willingly remove myself from situations I knew would be good for me. The pain of failure, no matter how minimal, would sting my ego and I would surrender to the plateau. However, when one lies dormant for long enough, pins and needles will emerge, and the pain is far greater than any superficial prick that failure would evoke. This recent realization opened my eyes, and I realized that all of my "failures", such as my "inability" to learn new things, or my "lack of motivation" to continue lifelong passions were a front for a quality that was deeply ingrained in myself: fear. I have since learned to let go of all fear and to dive into the unknown, to unlearn habits of self-sabotage, and to awaken the dormant ambition that I never thought would see the light of day. The warm comfort zone would soon no longer provide solace to me, as my lack of aspiration was suddenly an overbearing source of shame. In retrospect, no long-term good has ever come of these fears and I continue to detach from such behaviors and instead build ones that inspire accelerating growth. However, although I cannot change the past, I do imagine whispering into the ear of my smaller, wide-eyed self that to start doing things I am afraid of, I must be more afraid of doing nothing, forever.