Outgrowing the Ghosts by Vanessa

Outgrowing the Ghosts by Vanessa - August 2026 Scholarship Essay

Summers after the school year was over were my enemy as it was the time of year when I dropped dead. As a corpse, I would not speak nor be seen by anyone, not even those closest to me. This did not mean I was or am anti-social. However, when school came to an end and the sun lingered a little longer that is when I simply lost all motivation to do anything as the only expectations of you were to enjoy the warmth. I indulged in a social, mental and physical recovery in the form of doom scrolling, napping, and binge eating in the comfort of my own room. My family would do their best to check up on me, even encourage me to touch grass here and there. The summer of my senior year in high school was the outlier as it played out as if I were in a movie with a tragic yet eye-opening ending.
I had it all. The ultimate senior year combination: side quests, freedom, relationships, and drama. June came around and graduation had passed over. I had a friend who had been talking about a get together for close friends which was a lie for a party. I did not regularly keep contact with this friend as I had transferred out my junior year, but the friendship remained the same. My mother was not fond of my friendships from the school I had transferred out from due to bad influencing in terms of not telling her where I was or who I was with or what I was doing and breaking curfew, regular teenage rebellion. Still, she had given me permission to go to my friend's "not party" as long as this time I came back at a reasonable hour. I had the best time but a little too much fun.
Bad judgement, I had ignored my mother's calls under the influence of my friends knowing it would consist of endless berating for passing my curfew which only made the situation worse. The longer I took to text a simple "I am good" the more it both enraged and worried my mother. Karma quickly came when I finally decided to answer to which I received a teenager's worst nightmare. My older sister warned me of what was to come but it was too late as there was a loud knocking at my friend's door. Everyone in the house scrambled and grew worried as to who was banging so loud, but I knew. I knew that behind those doors would be the start of a death wish. I unlocked the door and stepped out bidding bye to my friends as it would be the last time I saw them. I remember that night's ending very vividly, yelling, punishments, and more yelling. Surprisingly, I was given the chance to live.
The following days, I crept quietly around my family as I knew the damage I had done. My mother and I became estranged or, as she would state, "there was no longer trust." There was no need for me to creep quietly as my parents considered me to be a ghost, invisible, but I wanted to be cautious. I had a lot of time to think to myself, with my siblings constantly teasing me about the state I was in that night and my parents giving me the silent treatment. I could feel nothing but anger and guilt. Anger because I truly believed there was unfairness when it came to curfews between me and my siblings. Guilt because my mother has done nothing but support me and given me chance after chance. Guilt consumed me eventually and between all of this my friends never once checked up on me.
Realization washed over me as it clicked to me as to why my ghost only appeared during summer. I had become such a people pleaser during school that I lost track of whose judgements about my life actually mattered; it drained the life out of me by the time it ended. I had become a person with high self-esteem and an abundant amount of confidence to someone who cared whether or not they were good enough to be part of something. I still have friends, not the same ones, but now I do not need a big friend group to be seen. I do not want to be seen, nor do I want to be heard by those who do not deserve me. To those who prefer me being performative rather than authentic, I am a ghost.