Failing by Paulency

Failing by Paulency - January 2026 Scholarship Essay

Repeating the third grade was, for a long time, my biggest shame. I did not fail because I did not care; my life outside of school was falling apart. My dad and I were homeless for a period of time before he sent me to live with a family friend. She was kind, but her long work hours meant I was late to school almost every morning. I remember one day when I arrived earlier than usual, and my entire class started clapping. They meant it as a joke, but all I felt was humiliation. That night, I cried myself to sleep.
By the end of the year, I still did not know my multiplication tables. I spelled “because” as “beecas,” and English felt like a wall I could not climb. I became an outcast, and most kids did not want to get to know me. I believe my teacher felt the same, as she would get visibly annoyed when I asked for help. I felt like a failure, someone designed for nothing, as I told myself back then.
But repeating third grade did not turn out to be the punishment I imagined. The second time around, I learned the seven continents, learned how to subtract fractions, and became decent at multiplication tables. Still, the embarrassment lingered. Through middle school and a good portion of high school, I would lie and say that I started school late because I was always the oldest in the room and felt embarrassed. I was determined to change the narrative I had about myself and prove that I was capable.
My mindset began to shift when I started tutoring a third grade boy named Yaalon. Immediately, I recognized pieces of myself in him. Like me, he was Haitian, still learning English, and struggling in areas like math. Like me, he cried when he could not understand things that most people would consider simple. And like me, he carried that quiet frustration of wanting to succeed but not knowing how.
At first, we made no progress. He forgot what we studied the week before, and I was worried. I felt like I was failing him the same way my teachers and the adults around me had failed me. But giving up on him would have meant giving up on the kid I used to be. So we went back to the basics like letter sounds and number patterns. Slowly, something changed. The lessons became less about avoiding mistakes, and I could see the curiosity growing within him. For the first time I understood what I had needed back then: someone who believed that I could get there even when I could not see it in myself.
Working with Yaalon helped me let go of the shame I had carried for years. Instead of hiding the fact that I repeated a grade, I began to talk about it with honesty. I realize that redoing third grade was the beginning of every opportunity I have now. It pushed me to work harder, to take myself seriously, and to create the support networks I wanted.
Because I failed third grade, I started the Haitian club at my high school, building a space for students like me to feel seen and supported. I became a Pathfinder nominee, I hold a regional leadership position in HOSA, and seek out opportunities to challenge myself academically and personally. None of this would have happened if I had stayed trapped in the mindset that failure defined me.
Failing third grade once made me feel small, but helping someone else through the same struggle taught me that setbacks shape who we become. I no longer internalize failure and become embarrassed of it, failure empowers me to lift myself and others out of obstacles.