"Not Despite, But Because: Embracing my Flawed Self" by Dionsia

Dionsia's entry into Varsity Tutor's October 2025 scholarship contest

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"Not Despite, But Because: Embracing my Flawed Self" by Dionsia - October 2025 Scholarship Essay

Gathering in a semi circle for story time, my second grade classmates and I whispered about the title and theme of our new book for the week. We carefully sounded out the letters C-O-R-D-U-R-O-Y. The cover illustration was our next point of focus, and I laid eyes on the little brown bear with green overalls that would exist in my mind forever as a symbol of love and acceptance.

Corduroy's story is a simple one, as most childhood books are. As my teacher flipped open the first pages we learned that he is a teddy bear that lives in a department store on a shelf among other toys, waiting for someone to take him home. A little girl takes interest in Corduroy, but her mother tells her she won't buy it for her, because she has spent enough money for the day, and the bear is missing a button. Sitting on the carpet, I felt sad for him, thinking how disappointing it must be to not find a home after so many days. However, as a college student, I feel lost with him. I struggle to find my place in the world, especially at such an uncertain time in my life as college. In my new environment, I find myself facing rejection much more often, whether that is trying to make new friends, joining activities, or navigating the professional world. Corduroy's feelings of inadequacy are relatable to me. I find myself comparing my qualities to people that seem to cruise through college life with no hesitations about their ability or worthiness, and wonder if I am missing something, too; the same way Corduroy is missing his button.

The story continues with his journey around the department store after hours. Wandering to the upper levels, where he decides that the escalator is a mountain, and the furniture section is a palace. He tries to rip a button off a mattress to replace the one he lost, but causes a commotion and ends up being moved back downstairs by a security guard. Like Corduroy, the angst of the possibility of never finding one's home is just as dreadful as it is terrifying. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit the lengths I have gone to feel like I even have a bit of a greater chance of feeling accepted by my peers and mentors. My wardrobe, hair, and at times even my diction, has been warped and deformed to fit an imagined mold in desperate attempts to fit in. Corduroy understands and validates this experience for me, he makes me feel ‘normal’, when people around me may think otherwise.

The next day, the same little girl returns just for Corduroy, with money she’s saved up in her piggy bank and brings him home with her. In the girls bedroom, she sews a replacement button onto his overall. Not because she likes him any less without it, but to make him more comfortable. It is then when Corduroy recognizes, through her words and actions, that the girl must be a friend, and he has always wanted a friend. Even as a young adult, reading the ending to this story still moves me. The reader is led to believe that the book will be about Corduroy's journey to reattach his button, effectively ‘fixing’ himself so that he can find a home and a friend. However, by the end, he has found someone who accepts him just the way he is. The ultimate lesson that Corduroy taught me, and continues to teach me through every phase of life, is that I am worthy; not despite my faults and quirks, but because of them. The people that love me truly are those that accept my entire, authentic and flawed, self.

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