Composition: Revising Drafts for Clarity, Style, and Sentence Variety (TEKS.ELA.7.10.C)
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Texas 7th Grade ELA › Composition: Revising Drafts for Clarity, Style, and Sentence Variety (TEKS.ELA.7.10.C)
Dear Austin City Council,
I am writing about bus stops without shade. I ride Route 10 after school. The sun is very strong. It is hot. People wait in the heat. They stand there, and they feel bad. It is not safe for everyone. My grandmother waits there. She told me it made her dizzy, and she didn't like it. I think it should be fixed. I think we could plant trees. I think we could add benches. I think we could add roofs. It would help a lot. It would help students and seniors and workers. This is important. Please do something about it soon because it matters and because the heat is getting worse.
Sincerely,
A concerned student
Which revision best improves clarity, organization, and sentence variety while keeping the original meaning?
Dear Council, The sun is mean and the heat attacks, so bus stops are a nightmare. Fix it now by buying lots of stuff and putting it everywhere. Sincerely, Me.
Dear Austin City Council, I am writing about bus stops without shade. I think we should add benches. I think we should plant trees. I think we should add roofs. Sincerely, A concerned student.
Dear Austin City Council, I ride Route 10 after school, and many riders wait at bus stops without shade in dangerous heat. My grandmother became dizzy while waiting, which shows the risk for seniors, students, and workers. Please improve stops by planting trees, adding roofs, and installing benches near the busiest locations. These changes would make waiting safer and more comfortable as summers grow hotter. Sincerely, A concerned student.
Dear Austin City Council, Because waiting in the heat is unsafe, people should stop using Route 10 until winter. Please close uncovered stops. Sincerely, A concerned student.
Explanation
Option C reduces repetition, clarifies who is affected, groups solutions logically, and keeps the respectful tone and original purpose. A uses vague language and a casual, harsh tone. B keeps the repetitive sentence pattern and adds little clarity. D changes the meaning by suggesting closing stops.
Water in Central Texas comes from the Edwards Aquifer, and people use it a lot. There is pumping for cities. There is pumping for farms. There is pumping for yards. It makes problems when it goes down, and it hurts animals that live in springs. This is a thing we can fix with different stuff. People say to conserve, but they don't always do it, and it gets confusing because they want green lawns. When it rains, it runs off fast. It runs off streets and it runs off parking lots. It doesn't soak in. That is bad. A plan was made, and they said it would help, but it wasn't explained, and it kind of moved around topics. quickly.
Which revision best improves clarity, organization, and word choice while preserving the original meaning?
Central Texas relies on the Edwards Aquifer, which supplies cities, farms, and yards. Heavy pumping lowers the aquifer and reduces spring flow, harming wildlife. We can address this by conserving water and helping rain soak into the ground. For example, native grasses, rain barrels, and permeable pavement reduce runoff from streets and parking lots. A clear conservation plan that explains steps and responsibilities would help residents keep their lawns healthy while using less water.
The aquifer is like a sponge that feels sad when it is squeezed, and the city should maybe do something somehow to help it feel better.
Central Texas uses the Edwards Aquifer for cities, farms, and yards, and it is bad. A plan was made and it will help a lot, and it will fix everything fast.
To stop harm to springs, people should stop watering and close big farms until the aquifer is full again.
Explanation
Option A clarifies vague pronouns, explains cause and effect, improves word choice, and organizes solutions, keeping the same message. B is figurative and unclear. C overpromises and stays vague. D changes the meaning by demanding extreme actions.
I walked into the old library, and I looked around, and I felt nervous. The floor creaked. He said it would be fine, but he didn't say when to meet. I went down an aisle. I went past dusty shelves. I went past a window. It was dark outside, and it was quiet, and it was kind of scary, and it was like the building was breathing. I heard a click. I heard a whisper. I heard another click. This made me want to leave. Then I saw the note, and then I saw a shadow, and then I saw a door open. I decided to stay. I wanted answers. It was not organized well in my mind. at all.
Which revision best improves sentence variety, clarity of pronouns, and narrative flow without changing the meaning?
Walking into the old library, the floor creaked and it was scary. He said it would be fine sometime. Went down an aisle. Went past shelves and a window. Heard clicks and whispers and things.
I rushed into the bright library and laughed, then ran outside because adventure could wait.
I went in. I looked. I felt nervous. I went down an aisle. I went past shelves. I went past a window. I heard a click. I heard a whisper. I heard a click.
I stepped into the old library, the floor creaking beneath me. Marcus had promised it would be fine, but he never said when to meet. As I passed dusty shelves and a dark window, the building seemed to breathe. A click, a whisper, another click—my urge to leave grew. Then a door opened. A shadow shifted, and a folded note lay on the floor. I stayed. I wanted answers.
Explanation
Option D varies sentences, clarifies who "he" is, and arranges events in a clear sequence while preserving the eerie mood and decision to stay. A uses fragments and vague pronouns. B changes the meaning and tone. C is overly choppy and repeats structure without key details.
Starting school later would help students, and I am writing to explain that. We are tired in the morning. We are tired in class. We are tired after practice. It makes grades go down and it makes moods go down. It also makes safety go down when people drive. Some people say it would mess up schedules, and they say it would mess up jobs, and they say it would mess up sports. This is confusing because it is about time and buses and stuff. I talked to them, and they said it was complicated, but they did not say why. I think we could try it for a while and then see. I think that would be good. Thanks.
Which revision best improves organization, clarity, and word choice while keeping the original claim and proposal?
We must change start times right now for good, no matter what people think, because mornings are the worst.
Starting school later would help students learn and stay safe. Many of us arrive exhausted, which hurts grades, moods, and after-school practices. Later start times also reduce drowsy driving. Some families, coaches, and employers worry about schedules. A pilot program would let the district test bus routes and practice times, then adjust based on results. Let's try a one-semester pilot and review attendance, grades, and safety data before making a final decision.
Starting later is good, and it helps stuff like safety and things with buses, and they can work it out later.
Yawns tumble through hallways like fog; buses and bells and bodies collide in a blur, so time should bend to teens.
Explanation
Option B organizes the argument (claim, reasons, counterargument, solution), replaces vague words, and keeps the original proposal to try a pilot. A changes tone and ignores concerns. C remains vague and unclear. D is poetic but hurts clarity and logical flow.
Dear San Antonio Parks Department, I am writing about trash and recycling at the River Walk during Fiesta. I went with my family last weekend, and it was crowded. I saw bins. The bins were there, but they were hard to find. It made people carry things. People carried cups and plates and bags and then dropped them. I saw workers. They were nice, but they looked tired. I think there should be more bins. I think signs should help people. I think volunteers could help too. It would make the walk look better. It would help the river. It would help tourists. It would help locals. If this happens, Fiesta will feel cleaner, and it will still be fun.
Which revision best improves clarity, organization, and sentence variety while preserving the writer's original meaning?
Dear San Antonio Parks Department, I think you should add more bins, I think signs should help people, and I think volunteers could help, because the bins were not there and the workers were very, very tired.
Dear San Antonio Parks Department, I was at Fiesta and it was crowded and it made people carry things and drop them and it would help the river and it would help tourists and locals if you did stuff.
Dear San Antonio Parks Department, after visiting the River Walk during Fiesta with my family, I noticed that recycling and trash bins were scarce and hard to spot. As a result, many visitors carried cups, plates, and bags until they finally dropped them, and the few workers on duty, though friendly, seemed exhausted. To keep the walk and river cleaner for locals and tourists, please add more clearly marked bins, post simple direction signs, and organize a small team of volunteers. These steps would preserve Fiesta's fun while improving cleanliness.
Dear San Antonio Parks Department, please add bins and signs. Fiesta is important. It was crowded. They were hard to find. It would help. Volunteers could help.
Explanation
Choice C clarifies who and what (visitors, bins), varies sentence structure, and organizes the requests while keeping the same purpose. A changes meaning by saying bins were not there and adds a run-on. B is vague and wordy. D is choppy and unclear about pronouns ('They').
To the Austin Transportation Department, I ride the Route 7 bus to school, and the stop near our apartments offers no shade or bench. In summer the heat is strong. It is strong for me, and it is strong for neighbors. They wait in the sun, and they stand on broken concrete. They sometimes step into the street because it is crowded. It is unsafe. It is also not welcoming. I think a bench would help. I think a canopy would help. I think fixing the sidewalk would help. It would help students. It would help elders. It would help workers. Please consider these changes so the stop is safer, and so the city shows it cares about riders daily.
Which revision best improves clarity, style, and sentence variety without changing the writer's request?
To the Austin Transportation Department: I ride Route 7 to school, and the stop by our apartments has no shade or bench. In summer, the heat affects students, elders, and workers waiting on broken concrete, and the narrow sidewalk forces people toward the street. This is unsafe and unwelcoming. Please add a bench and a canopy and repair the sidewalk so the stop is safer and so the city shows daily care for riders.
To the Austin Transportation Department, there are never benches or shade anywhere along Route 7, and the city doesn't care, so just fix the whole system.
To the Austin Transportation Department, I ride Route 7 and it is hot and crowded and sunny and broken and unsafe and unwelcoming so a bench and canopy and sidewalk repair would help riders.
To the Austin Transportation Department, please add shade. People like comfort. Thank you for reading my letter about the place.
Explanation
Choice A combines repetitive sentences, specifies the safety issue (narrow sidewalk), and organizes clear requests while preserving the original meaning. B overgeneralizes and changes tone/meaning. C is a run-on with vague wording. D removes necessary details and weakens the request.
My partner built the volcano. I painted it. We put it on the table. We waited for the judges. They came over, and they asked questions. It made me nervous. It made him nervous. We forgot the baking soda. We looked at each other, and we looked at the bag. It was not there. We thought it was there. We told them we could explain. They nodded. I started to talk. I talked about the model, and I talked about safety, and I talked about real volcanoes, and I talked about how it should work. It felt long. It felt longer. It felt like forever until someone found the baking soda in another bag. We finally breathed and presented calmly.
Which revision best improves sentence variety and clarity while keeping the original events and meaning?
My partner built the volcano, and I painted it, and we put it on the table, and we waited for judges, and they came over and asked questions and made us nervous but we forgot nothing and then someone found baking soda.
The scene was epic; nerves vibrated in a symphony of tension as destiny loomed.
We looked at the bag. It was not there. It was there. We thought it was there. It wasn't in there. It felt long.
My partner built the model and I painted it; when the judges approached, both of us grew nervous and realized we'd forgotten the baking soda. We explained the design and safety steps while we searched, and after someone located the missing ingredient, we finally breathed and presented calmly.
Explanation
Choice D combines short, repetitive sentences into varied structures, clarifies pronouns, and retains the original sequence and outcome. A changes meaning (says they forgot nothing) and becomes a run-on. B is flowery and unrelated. C is contradictory and unclear.
Students at our school throw away paper and bottles, and the trash cans fill fast. I saw this. It happened all week. I decided to research recycling, and I found examples. The examples were from other schools, and they did things. They used student teams. They made labels. They asked teachers. This is important, and this is something we should do. I think the best way is to start a pilot. The pilot could be in eighth grade. It could have blue bins. It could have teams. It could have a schedule. It could have a prize. I can lead it. I can make a flyer. If we do it, then it will help the school and help the Earth.
Which revision most effectively improves organization, word choice, and sentence variety while preserving the proposal's original intent?
Students waste paper and bottles, which is why recycling is important, and a pilot could be in eighth grade and it could have blue bins and teams and a schedule and a prize and a flyer.
Students at our school throw away many recyclables, so I researched how other schools reduce waste. A small eighth-grade pilot—blue bins, clear labels, student teams, and a simple schedule with a modest prize—would let us test the idea. I can lead the effort and create a flyer. If we try this, we can help our school and the Earth.
The examples were from famous schools that saved the planet completely, so we should copy them exactly.
This is important, and this is something we should do, and it could have bins, and it could have teams, and it could have a schedule, and it could have a prize.
Explanation
Choice B tightens word choice, groups related details into a logical plan, and varies sentences while keeping the same proposal. A is a run-on. C exaggerates and changes meaning. D repeats vague language without organizing the plan.